9th March 2011

Today I feel sad, really down in the dumps. You know when you feel as if everything is playing on your mind? I’ve been told I need to decide what I want to do with the ashes and it has thrown me, I don’t know what to do. You see, he didn’t have a favourite place as such, not anywhere substantial, well I don’t think the pub can count!! My other problem is that I am planning to move abroad next year and I am scared about leaving him behind. I want him with me forever, to follow me and guide me in life and I can’t do that if I bury him around here. Someone suggested, throwing him back into the air so that wherever the wind will blow, he will be with me. It’s either that or putting him into the ocean and hope that he can follow me?!

I still don’t understand it you know, I don’t get why it happened to such a good man. He never did anything wrong in life and he didn’t deserve to be punished. But more than anything, I just cant believe it yet. The doctor has dosed me up with happy pills so lately it has been rare that I have had a chance to actually think about everything. I’ve naughtily forgotten to take them the past few days and it shows because here I am deep in thought about why he died. Death is so bizarre, like how one minute you can have everything and then in a split second your whole life can come crashing down in front of your very eyes. My whole life fell apart that day. I lost absolutley everything and my heart broke in two, he was everything to me. We were inseperable and I adored him, then I lost it all. He just left. And I don’t know where he is right now, I don’t feel him around me and watching over me. Do you understand how hard that is? When I left the house that morning with him, never ever for a minute did I think we wouldn’t come back together. Had I of known, I would have clung on to him for dear life. I’d of never let him go.

I know I’ve lost the chance to tell him how much he means to me but I really love you with every inch of my heart. Don’t be let down by the things I do in life please, I will make mistakes and do things you may not approve of but I promise I will do my absolute best.

Most of all, I am so sorry. Sorry I left you alone in the car to suffer, it guts me. I’ll see you again one day, without a doubt.

I love you x x

5th March 2011

Good morning bloggers,

Today I don’t really plan on doing much sadly, I need to decide what to do with my man’s ashes which is a really hard thing. Has anyone heard of urn jewellery? That is something I am considering yet it is sooooo expensive!!

I was listening to one of my favourite songs earlier; Owl City-Vanilla Twilight. Youtube it, its a beautiful song which I can connect with on many levels. Trust me, you will love it!

Might pop back on tomorrow morning and give you a proper update of what is going on in my life at the moment. But right now I need to get dressed and dry my hair. Love ?X

2nd March 2011

Good evening 🙂

I’m just sat chilling out after a deliciously fattening portion of rocky road pudding and ice cream! Yesterday I went to Peterborough to do some holiday shopping with a friend. It was good fun and I spent a little bit too much. H&M is to die for, everything in there is so beautiful. I bought 2 stunning jumpsuits and now I am in heaven, it may be freezing my end of the world but god dammit I cannot wait to crack them out! I also found something that I have been looking for for ages – Barry M ‘Instant Nail Effects’ nail varnish. My home town doesn’t seen to have began stocking it yet so I was so excited when I finally found it and couldn’t wait to try it! The outcome is fab and so unique. You use any bright colour as your base coat and then apply one quick coat of the black crackly gloop. And instantly, it shrinks together and separates creating an animal print effect with the base coat coming through. I love it!! Maybe I will upload a pic?

Tonight I am going to catch up on Hollyoaks, watch a bit of Secret Diary and then The Model Agency at 10pm. It is a fantastic program and can’t wait to watch it tonight.

Over & out, x

28th February 2011

The start of the rest of my life. Today I decided to create a blog. I don’t know why or what it will achieve but I thought what the heck?! It’ll be fun, an insight into the life of a 19year old girl, unnamed and hidden. Almost a different world, like stepping into somebody elses shoes and daydreaming. I daydream a lot, far too much for my own good. Thinking is my worst habit, one day I believe it will destroy me and my brain will self-combust.

So, I introduce myself as that girl with the purple heart. I am 19, short, brown hair, brown eyes. Often mistaken for a young Italian or Spanish lady. unfortunately I am not. I was born in the south of England and moved up to live with my Dad at the age of 10 in the East of England. The best decision of my life, hands down. I am vaguely intelligent, completed my A-Levels and did alright for myself. I fail to believe that I can conquer the world, as I just a mere speck of dust in a clogged up Dyson. Anyway, I have a big family- a complicated one to say the least. Numerous brothers and sisters and cousins and aunties and uncles! My life is a little bit mad and I suppose I do kind of like it that way. I’m not really a “hobbies” type of girl, so I would struggle to inform of what I spend my time doing. Although I do love shopping, whether that be in the real outside world or on my bubblegum pink laptop!

My purple heart has brought me here today and helps me through the hard times. You see, my life has changed dramatically since last September. My boyfriend who I was living with and adored to pieces sadly died in a tragic car accident. He was my everything in life and it pains me through and through when I think about what happened to him. He was young and he was truly amazing, I like to believe he is still with me. That bright star that shines brighter than any other- that is my man up there. Life has been complicated ever since and I am struggling quite badly. I am a strong person and I don’t like being defeated therefore I may look as if I’m coping when really I am cut up inside. God does some cruel things but I honestly believe that he is in a better place. So I thank my star for guiding over and getting me as far as I am today, without the warmth you have given me, I don’t know what would have happened.

I loved (lets call him Michael for now). He was spontaneous and funny, young at heart and so protective. Michael adored me and would do anything for me. He was the most fantastic man ever. His favourite colour was purple so since he passed, I have felt a connection and I believe I am his- I am “that girl with the purple heart”.

I love you forever and always, take care mister x x