9th March 2011

Today I feel sad, really down in the dumps. You know when you feel as if everything is playing on your mind? I’ve been told I need to decide what I want to do with the ashes and it has thrown me, I don’t know what to do. You see, he didn’t have a favourite place as such, not anywhere substantial, well I don’t think the pub can count!! My other problem is that I am planning to move abroad next year and I am scared about leaving him behind. I want him with me forever, to follow me and guide me in life and I can’t do that if I bury him around here. Someone suggested, throwing him back into the air so that wherever the wind will blow, he will be with me. It’s either that or putting him into the ocean and hope that he can follow me?!

I still don’t understand it you know, I don’t get why it happened to such a good man. He never did anything wrong in life and he didn’t deserve to be punished. But more than anything, I just cant believe it yet. The doctor has dosed me up with happy pills so lately it has been rare that I have had a chance to actually think about everything. I’ve naughtily forgotten to take them the past few days and it shows because here I am deep in thought about why he died. Death is so bizarre, like how one minute you can have everything and then in a split second your whole life can come crashing down in front of your very eyes. My whole life fell apart that day. I lost absolutley everything and my heart broke in two, he was everything to me. We were inseperable and I adored him, then I lost it all. He just left. And I don’t know where he is right now, I don’t feel him around me and watching over me. Do you understand how hard that is? When I left the house that morning with him, never ever for a minute did I think we wouldn’t come back together. Had I of known, I would have clung on to him for dear life. I’d of never let him go.

I know I’ve lost the chance to tell him how much he means to me but I really love you with every inch of my heart. Don’t be let down by the things I do in life please, I will make mistakes and do things you may not approve of but I promise I will do my absolute best.

Most of all, I am so sorry. Sorry I left you alone in the car to suffer, it guts me. I’ll see you again one day, without a doubt.

I love you x x

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~ by thatgirlwiththepurpleheart on March 9, 2011.

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